Day of Reckoning

My heart skipped a beat and my eyes bulged in utter disbelief as I stared at the contents of the CD pack that lay before me. For a moment, I couldn’t breath. The shocking feeling that engulfed me was beyond words. My friend, Kabudula, who sat opposite, was equally shocked. He looked at me blankly with a sorrowful mien with his hand on her mouth.

“I’m damned,” I grumbled in despair and heartbreaking sadness. This time I managed to wipe nervously some perspiration from my face with the back of my hand. I still could not come to terms with what was before me.

“Oh, boy,” Kabudula mumbled his hand still on his mouth, “This is a complete disaster. How could this happen?”

I kept mum cursing silently. The realisation that I had given my pastor a CD pack that contained a collection of x-rated movies made me wretched. Finally, he would realise I was just a fraud and a real hypocrite. I was close to tears of humiliation.

I had travelled to America a month ago on official duties. This was just among the many journeys I had travelled abroad. There was something I used to do besides office duties whenever I travelled. I made it a habit to add to my secret arsenal of adult movies. Friends who were also into that stuff would sometimes advise me to purchase the merchandise on their behalf.

How I became addicted to adult movies, I had no clue but I had vowed never to terminate the indissoluble bond that existed between us. I had a variety of collections of magazines, VCDs and DVDs safely locked in a drawer in my bedroom and the key was always safely around with me. No one was aware of this except a blessed few. At church, I pretended to be such a good person and when it was my turn to preach, I did so with astonishment and I was a darling among the flock.

“Kabudula, you’re a devil in a cassock,” A friend one time who saw me preach chided me, “Do these people you’re admonishing that they’ll fly in hell if they sin know that you’re a custodian of x-rated movies.”

“Just imagine,” I had said laughing, “It’s really funny. They’re so clueless.”

So it happened that as I was planning for the journey, that I received a call from my pastor telling me to buy him some Christian music videos. He gave me a list of singers that he wanted.

“This will be done pastor,” I said hanging up. Kabudula, my friend had also asked me to buy him a collection of adult movies.

When I returned from America, I told the driver who had come to pick me at the airport to drop me at my pastor’s house. I did not find him. The houseboy told me he had gone to visit a certain family we prayed with. I left the pack with him telling him to give it to him. Then I called Kabudula and informed him to come and collect his movies when I realised the tremendous boon I had committed. I had switched the packs. The one meant for Kabudula had found its way at the pastor’s house.

“You have to spin a yarn that’ll get you safely out of this mess,” Kabudula advised, “You can blame the airline you flew in for switching your bag or maybe you took somebody else bag. He’ll believe you. He trusts you, Shakina.”

Kabudula was a right. A well woven lie could get me out. There was no reason to cry foul. The bag switch idea sounded flamboyant. I had to tell him that. But then this question kept re-echoing in my mind: why did this whole thing happen. Why had this clandestine activity been exposed? Maybe God wanted me to be a better person. I began feeling that only the truth could set me free.

I set off to his house in a haze. He received me as if nothing had happened.

“Have you seen the contents of the CD pack that I purchased for you,” I dropped my voice and looked away in shame.

“Not yet,” he said, “There was something that was restraining me from checking.”

“Yeah,” I said choked by the strength of my shame, “I want to confess that I have been living a fraud.” I started crying. “I feel great sorrow and shame for what I’ve done.”

“Brother, what is it that you have done?” he asked with concern and added with an authoritative voice. “Oh yes, if you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you from all unrighteousness.”

I told him everything. How I was into it and the secret DVDs I kept, magazines, how I was a supplier and when I finished, I expected him to rebuke me for being such, for preaching as I did and yet involving myself in the very things I preached vehemently against. I expected him to scold me for being a stinking chameleon and rotten impostor, but instead he said:

“Christ died for sinners. I’ll be a cheat to tell you otherwise, brother Shakina,” he indicated, “The benefits of Christ's passions is intended not only for good people. His grace was meant for persons who deserved nothing? If it were for creatures who have not sinned, what was the need?”

Then he asked me to kneel down and he prayed. After he finished, his concluding remark was: “Never doubt God's promise on forgiveness. Doubt produces fear. It is also a great insult to God…if I don't trust you, it means I think you are a liar, and you can’t think that of God, right?”